I find it hard to believe. It’s not that I don’t want to, because I do. I really want to believe in it from the bottom of my heart. But I can’t help it; I’m scared. I’m never scared of anything. It brings me down, it’d be my weakness, my end. I’m never scared of anything. It kills me to know that something could put me down, crush my thoughts. But I am scared. I’m scared of losing. I’m scared of getting lost. I’m scared of it all being bubbles of hopes and dreams. Pop! Gone.
Are you scared too?
God I used to hate talking. Nobody can hold up a good conversation these days. I still do. I think it’s whoring yourself out, but it’s so satisfying too (with the right person of course). It’s like downing a giant double patty bacon cheeseburger with extra white cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, grilled mushrooms and grilled onions, lots of ketchup and mayo, side of large sweet potato fries with shit ton of chipotle sauce and beer.. then getting hot fudge ice cream .. so disgustingly filling and satisfying. Like ew but wait.. oh fuck yeah.. “right there, right freaking there”.
But I’m shy and I’m quiet and I barely get close to anyone because I know I’m the one that gets screwed over for all the chances that I’ve given and all the patience that I’ve wasted. After all, you need to surrender to someone. You keep refusing, but you do; you have to give in at some point. Human nature is to get close fast, fuck hard and ditch just as fast.. but oh well.
Then right when and where my fingers are floating in your hair, I’ll very gently grab on to your hair..push your head just a tiny bit so your neck is more exposed.. I’ll lean forward and I’ll kiss the back of your neck, right where your hairline ends.. I’ll then slowly wrap my arms around your neck and hug the shit out of you while kiss-biting into your ears; running my hands inside of your T-shirt slowly down, deep deep down to grab a slice of that sexy pizza cause honey, pizza is sure as hell much better for me than you will ever be.
You believe in the absolute uncertainty of the necessities in your life. You believe in the sun rising in the morning to tap on your window for a quick bother. You believe in the whiskey for your cold thoughts. You believe in the tear that’s hiding bashfully in the corner of your eye. You believe in this thing called silence. I believe in this thing called peaceful presence.
Get rid of ANYONE that takes your peace of mind away for no good reason. You don’t need them. You don’t have time for them. You can’t afford losing a piece of yourself everytime they screw up or screw you over. Get rid of them even if you’ve known them for the longest time. Get rid of them even if you think you can’t. Because fuck them, you sure as hell can and deserve better.
Did you know that people will remember your past forever? The same past that you might want to forget from time to time. But no worries there right? Cause they’ll remember it for you. They’ll even rub it in your face.. and make sure you fully grasp the devastation of your sins. How dare you try to walk past the painful past? I sure hope it drills the shit out of anyone’s brain that wants to remember my past for me.