But I’m shy and I’m quiet and I barely get close to anyone because I know I’m the one that gets screwed over for all the chances that I’ve given and all the patience that I’ve wasted. After all, you need to surrender to someone. You keep refusing, but you do; you have to give in at some point. Human nature is to get close fast, fuck hard and ditch just as fast.. but oh well.
Then right when and where my fingers are floating in your hair, I’ll very gently grab on to your hair..push your head just a tiny bit so your neck is more exposed.. I’ll lean forward and I’ll kiss the back of your neck, right where your hairline ends.. I’ll then slowly wrap my arms around your neck and hug the shit out of you while kiss-biting into your ears; running my hands inside of your T-shirt slowly down, deep deep down to grab a slice of that sexy pizza cause honey, pizza is sure as hell much better for me than you will ever be.
You believe in the absolute uncertainty of the necessities in your life. You believe in the sun rising in the morning to tap on your window for a quick bother. You believe in the whiskey for your cold thoughts. You believe in the tear that’s hiding bashfully in the corner of your eye. You believe in this thing called silence. I believe in this thing called peaceful presence.
Get rid of ANYONE that takes your peace of mind away for no good reason. You don’t need them. You don’t have time for them. You can’t afford losing a piece of yourself everytime they screw up or screw you over. Get rid of them even if you’ve known them for the longest time. Get rid of them even if you think you can’t. Because fuck them, you sure as hell can and deserve better.
Did you know that people will remember your past forever? The same past that you might want to forget from time to time. But no worries there right? Cause they’ll remember it for you. They’ll even rub it in your face.. and make sure you fully grasp the devastation of your sins. How dare you try to walk past the painful past? I sure hope it drills the shit out of anyone’s brain that wants to remember my past for me.
I’ve always thought there’s a reason for every instance. Cause and effect. Hide and seek. Summer and fall. Pizza and wine. But I’ve been terribly wrong in the most uncanny way possible. There’s absolutely no reason for me to want you the way I want you. It’s .. senseless, and messy, and .. addictive.
I never entirely knew what it felt like to lose someone near and dear to your heart, until tonight. I never knew the power of my words when I’m pissed or angry or sad. I never knew how badly it hurt to lose someone before they even had a chance to become “someone”. I never knew how I could cause distance, separation, and loss of hope with and only with my words. I never knew how my heart could feel, when it lost someone truly worthy. It feels like that someone was torn out of me. It feels like somebody tore me into million pieces, and this someone has been taken apart from every single one of those pieces. It feels suffocating that I have no one to blame but me. It took days, sleepless nights and weeks and years of patience and calmness to build this grand someone of something. It took 11 minutes to tear it apart. 11 god damn minutes. If only you could know how bad I feel that I have lost my place in you. If only you could see how bloodshot my eyes are. If only you could give another chance to me to not fuck up this time.