She’s cold. Today was a cold day. She’s really cold. She needs her cashmere scarf on her fragile shoulders. She needs her cup of tea with a caramel toffee. She needs her reading glasses and her newspaper that I keep grabbing from the Persian market religiously. She needs her comb and her pearl hair pin on her hair. Awh she smelled like heaven. I mean that’s how heaven smells like, right? Jasmine, with a hint of patchouli, hyacinth, toffee, vanilla and cotton. She would wrap her little fragile fingers around you and you’d feel like you’re in the safest possible place in the world because those were her arms .. right there, around you.. sheltering you from everything and everyone. She was the world and the world was her. She would braid my hair at 3am because she knew I needed her and her fragile little fingers combing through my hair at 3am to calm me. It’s selfish that I want her back. It’s selfish that I can’t bare the fact that someone else may be joining her. It’s selfish that I want them to be here. It’s cold. She’s getting cold. She needs something to keep her warm.
It’s strange how life is. Sometimes I come home from work and for a minute there, I forget that she’s gone. I walk purposefully towards her couch by the living room window, right next to the lemon tree. Then I notice her absence and it hits me like a brick wall every time. It just happened again the other day. I came home and she wasn’t there. You know, her pillow is losing her scent. I don’t know what to do in order to keep her scent on that damn pillow. According to my therapist, I should move on from grieving and longing for her, and that I should just suffice with missing her on a face value.. yeah, she gets paid for this shitvice. That’s fine though, I barely say a word to her. I don’t blame her for not knowing what to pull out of her ass in our sessions. Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that she’s cold and I can’t keep her warm. The point is that I still ache at the thought of her empty couch and her empty bedroom. The point is that It’s been a year.. a year without her and I have been lost without her.