Moments of clarity come by rarely, followed by several episodes of haze. The constant state of not being sure of what the hell happened, what the hell is going on, and what the hell will happen is quite exhausting and infuriating. This love-hate push and pull wave is drowning me in you, day by day. It’s not that I don’t know or that I don’t want to know. It’s also not that I’m not making an effort. I’m making all the efforts in the world, but somehow I am lost in this unknown haze where I don’t even know if you’re in it or not. I don’t need a map, I can figure out the directions on my own; however, I need to know the distance and I need to know the timeframe. It’s physics and math –it’s practical and definite. I mean, otherwise I’ll be wondering around the same circles over and over trying to reach something purely hypothetical. I want to be clear, but I can’t. You stop me. Sometimes it feels like I’m alone in this war zone and I have to fight every battle on my own which is fine because I’m used to it, but then I can’t see the other side. Who the hell am I fighting? What if this isn’t even real? What if I misguided myself into this? What if I’m clinging onto flashes of something that I made up in my mind and you know, my heart for that matter? What if you’re just several episodes of haze stuck in the clarity of my existence trying to eat away my soul?

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